What is domestic violence? Twenty-five high school students attending the Violence Institute of New Jersey’s (VINJ) second annual Youth Summit on Violence at the Trenton War Memorial on November 14 participated in a workshop with Nancy Kessler, a domestic violence hearing officer with the family court in Newark. She defined the term: "It means that someone in a household is using violence or threats of violence to control another person’s behavior.

"If you live in close quarters with others, there will always be some disagreement. That’s not what we’re talking about," she said. She explained that domestic abuse usually involves a man battering a woman he’s involved with. The abuse can be emotional and verbal – involving threats and humiliation – as well as physical.

At first the abuser tries to win over the other person by being on his best behavior. But then, the abuser tries to isolate the victim and control her. This makes it easier to convince the woman that everything that goes wrong is her fault. The abuser might say, "If you hadn’t worn that short skirt, that guy wouldn’t have flirted with you and I wouldn’t have had to hit you."

Then later he might say, "But I’m the only one who really loves you. If you walk away, you’ll have no one." A woman who is cut off from friends and family will start believing this.

Does violence between parents affect kids? The answer is a definite yes.

Research shows that boys who grow up seeing their father or another man abuse their mother will often end up doing the same when they grow up. In the short-term, kids often stay home from school to take care of or protect an abused mother. And it has been shown that a man who abuses a woman often abuses the children, too.

How can teens stop abuse? If they know someone who is abused, they can put them in touch with their county’s domestic violence program. They can say: "As your friend I want to connect you with someone who could help you." Or if abuse is suspected in a family, the teen can identify a teacher or counselor he can trust, who’s knowledgeable and won’t betray the confidence. Then he can ask that teacher for advice.

The young people were advised: If you ever witness an assault, report it immediately to the police. Also, if you suspect a friend is being abused, make sure you stay in contact with him or her. Don’t let the friend feel isolated, even if she or he isn’t quite ready to talk about the problem.

And if you’re a guy and see a guy you know trying to intimidate or pressure a girl, say to him: "What you’re doing isn’t cool." It will usually make a stronger impression than if a girl says the same thing.

More than 400 students from 26 schools throughout the state attended the day-long conference, entitled "Reaching for Peace: Youth-Led Social Change."

Michael Greene, PhD, executive director of the Violence Institute, said the overall aim of the conference was to let teens know that they can make a difference in their own communities. "The goal is really to inspire and engage young people in addressing what they see as social injustices in their community, including violence. Most programs against violence tell students, ‘Do this. Don’t do that.’ Our approach is to work as partners," Greene says.